Wednesday, 23 August 2017

5 Top Tips For Babies Who Are Fussy Eaters

Most of us have been there, haven't we? Your beautiful bouncing baby makes a good start to weaning. You feel like you've got this shit covered. No fussy babies here! Then all of a sudden, BAM!! They don't want to eat a damn thing you put in front of them.
Some people blame Teething. Because we have to blame something right? Otherwise, this whole food strike would simply not make sense! "Maybe she's Teething? Well, she did have a disturbed sleep last night. Could she have a little cold perhaps? A sore throat? Anything! Just give me some meaning to this obscure behaviour!"

You offer finger foods. They're swiped to the floor.

You try feeding with a spoon. Their mouth clamps shut.

You're at the end of your tether. But fear not! I have several tried and tested solutions that will ensure your baby is eating again in no time!

1. You've presented your child with their meal and they've thrown every morsel on to the floor. Kick your feet back. Allow them to carry on with their business. Once they look at you with that smug little face, simply remove them from their highchair and place them on the floor. You can then watch proudly as your hard work pays off and your child crawls under the high chair and eats a hearty lunch from the floor. Like a dog. You can now scratch 'Teething' off your list of possible reasons for not eating and in the future try asking yourself "Do they want to be a dog? Is this why they're not eating?" 

2. You've attempted to feed your child their morning porridge. With every trick you pull (here comes the choo choo train...) you're greeted with a closed mouth and a grimace. You're at your wits end. Don't reach for the Gin just yet (save that for around 5pm when you're really about to lose your shit). Instead, calmly walk away and make your own breakfast. Sit down and tuck in to your poached egg and beans on toast, and watch the little scamp suddenly take an interest in food after all and come begging at your knee. Like a dog. 

3. Consider the possibility that your child just doesn't fancy what you're offering. They could be saving themselves for a more lavish and exotic dish later on in the day, such as fake stones from the fire, a muddy shoe, or the bookcase. Just like, you know, a dog.  

4. Disguise their food. Just like your mum used to hide your veg in your mash potato, you too can play the same tricks. You could mould your child's healthy snack in to stones or lego perhaps? Bury them in some dirt in the garden or sprinkle them in dog shit. All these creative touches will appeal to your child's palette.

5. Opt for the easy choice and buy a lifetime supply of Skips, Wotsits, Quavers and Gin. 

*The Gin is for you obviously. There's no way you'd take the risk of giving your baby Gin so they can sprinkle it all over the floor from their Tommee Tippee!
Life Love and Dirty Dishes

Thursday, 10 August 2017

Dear Sir David Attenborough - Please Answer My Child's Bullshit Questions

Dear Sir David Attenborough,

I understand you're a busy man, however, the summer holidays are upon us and my six year old has not stopped talking and asking questions since the day he exited the school gates three weeks ago.
These questions mainly appear to be about animals, and to be quite honest he's driving me bat shit crazy (pun intended).

So I'm passing him over to you, because quite frankly I can't take anymore of this shit.

Below are ten questions that I was asked in the single space of this morning. I'm placing my trust in you that you can answer these, resulting in a few minutes of peace before the endless curiosity commences again.

God Speed

1. Do hedgehogs sink when put in water? 
*I'm not sure when you would be in a situation that called for you to immerse a hedgehog in water, but let's just say you were

2. Do crocodiles have bones?

3. Do crocodiles have a lot of health? 
*I'm unaware as to whether he's referring to physical or mental heath, however if the Crocodile has a six year old who asks as many questions as mine (and we're talking about mental health) then I'd be inclined to say No, it fucking doesn't. How about you Sir David?

4. Is there a swimming rock that can kill you?         
*If there is then tell it to come find me.

5. Can a shark get you if you're in jail? 
*For clarification, I asked if he meant an underwater cage, but no, he means an actual Jail with 'bad guys'.

6. Do creatures have blood? Like Bees? Do Bees have blood?

7. What about spiders? Do they have bones and blood? 

8. Are Hedgehogs real?

9. Do zombies eat other zombies and if they do then do their teeth fall out?
 *Technically not an animal question, but do we even care at this point?*

10. If a shark eats your heart and eyeballs, do they go in to his blood?
*And a Bonus Question which he's just asked me as I sit quivering in to my cup of coffee, wishing it was Gin

11. Jean is actually real, but he's not. Is he? 
*We don't know who Jean is nor what their gender is. But we know 'he' doesn't like numbers

Dear Sir David.
Please fucking help me.

Sunday, 30 July 2017

Now I Can Crawl 

(I can call you Mum, right? I figure that now I'm crawling I'm too grown up for this Mama crap)
So, Mum.
You'll probably realise that since I found my hands and knees things have changed around these parts. I'm not the placid little soul I used to be. I grew up (a bit.)
Let's take that fireplace for example. I've never shown any interest in it before, but now I can move I'm going to get stuck right in to that fireplace. I'm going to eat the coal, pull all the bits off, and bang my head on the hearth. Repeatedly. I'm going to do this all day, every day, over and over again.
I'm no longer going to have my nappy changed without a fight. I'm going to flip myself over and crawl away, kick my legs up high and roll around everywhere. Gone are the days that I'd just lie there peacefully and allow you to change me. Now I'm going to make you sweat. Because, why not?
I've also decided that I want everything I'm not allowed to have. Wires, money, potpourri. I'm going to find them and I'm going to put them straight in my mouth. I'm not fond of this "Ah Ah" nonsense you keep spouting at me whenever I touch something you don't want me to. So I'm going to scream every time you say it.
This crawling malarkey has given me a whole new outlook on life! I'm that excited about my new found mobility that I can't stop waking up at night just to think about where I'm going to crawl to next. So many corners to explore. So many things to see!
But then I can't get back to sleep, so I practice my standing instead. And then I can't quite remember how to sit down so I have to scream. I did this 7 times last night so I'm feeling pretty cranky today. Probably gonna scream at you a bit more and pull your hair until you make me feel better.
And since I've been roaming from room to room I've kind of got the feeling that we're actually NOT the same person.
I mean, how can I be here and you be there? And just as I can crawl away from you, that means you can crawl away from me. And I don't want you to. So I'm going to cry every time I can't see you. And sometimes, when you're washing up or trying to cook tea, I'm going to hold on to your leg. Maybe I'll try and climb up it a bit. Just so you remember not to leave me. You might take this as a sign to pick me up. Don't. I'll only push and wriggle to go back down again. I just want to hang here, clinging to the back of your knee.
I'm going to make you really appreciate that Gin you like to pour yourself most nights! And soon you'll be working off that Fruit & Nut I frequently see you stuffing in to your face behind the fridge door (I can see you, you know! As I hang here from your jeans pocket) Because soon I'll be walking Mum.
And then the shit is really going to hit the fan!

Life Love and Dirty Dishes
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