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Thursday, 30 April 2015

The Day I was Saved By A Super Hero

People who know me personally have already heard this story, but every time I see this photo it makes me laugh so I thought I'd share it with those who don't know me.
This is the story of when my day was saved by a superhero....literally.
Oliver & I boarded a train to Blackpool from Staffordshire. This involves a train change at Piccadilly and I was aware that the time was tight for me to catch my next connection, so I was feeling stressed before I even boarded the first train
This stress was amplified by the fact that Oliver was going through a bit of a horrific phase where everything in life just seemed to cause a temper tantrum from hell. And this day was no different.
It was all fun and games when we were stood on the platform. 
But then we boarded the train of doom. Packed to the rafters. People sat on aisle seats with their luggage taking up a whole seat by the window. Why do people do that?! Annoying!! Business type people taking up the "table seats" with their laptops propped up and their costa coffees neatly placed beside them. Vacant seats with the dreaded "reserved sign" on them and the destination at which the travellers who have booked them will arrive. Note; if you avoid these reserved seats they will remain empty for the entire journey, yet if you bite the bullet and sit in one, their owners will arrive promptly at the next stop and will stand there tapping their foot and shoving their "reserved ticket" in your face as evidence, whilst you scurry and scramble in to the train aisle.
So, like most mums I scoured the train to find a free space, preferably behind someone who didn't look like they'd have a nervous breakdown from a 3 year old kicking their seat for 45 minutes. As luck would have it I spotted 2 free seats situated behind 3 "youngish people" who had also scored lucky and landed some "table seats".
Feeling rather smug I ushered Oliver in to the window seat and wrestled with my mound of bags. Just as I was about to sit in my seat and de stress he started.....
"I DONT LIKE TRAIN!!!!"
Erm... How am I supposed to respond to that? We're on the train, the doors are shut, the train is moving....ignore him..that's the best thing to do.
"I DONT LIKE TRAIN!!"
He has now slithered down from his seat and is sprawled in one of the most uncomfortable looking positions on the train floor by my feet. Oh God. Heads are turning. People are looking. I just heard somebody tut. Just smile...smile and ignore him
"I DONT LIKE SHOES!!"
A shoe sails passed my head. Somebody gasps. I dart up from my seat to retrieve it just as the train comes to a stop. The doors open and in slow motion in walks.....Spider-Man...and he sits facing us,with the "youngish people" on the table seats in front. 
There is silence...Oliver has propped himself up on his seat and is sticking his face in between the seats to get a good luck at the superhero. Spider-Man then says hello to Oliver. He also announces to the people on the train that he "doesn't usually travel by train, he usually prefers to travel by web"
Everyone laughs and all eyes are on him - including Oliver's. The guy carries on talking as if he actually IS Spider-Man. Suddenly everyone has forgotten about the horrific child that just screamed the train down and threw a shoe across the train. And the day was saved. 
So Thankyou Spider-Man. Whoever you really were or why you were dressed in that outfit. For 30 minutes you truly were a superhero.



Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Oliver's Tips for Travelling in a Car


1) Under no circumstances should you use the toilet before you set off, no matter how many times mummy asks you...even if you are desperate. You need to wait to announce your need for the toilet when the car has just entered the motorway

2) Ensure you drain the battery's on your/mummy's iPad or tablet just before you set off, otherwise you'll have nothing to moan & whinge about for 2 hours

3) When asked to choose a drink to take with you, ensure you choose your least favourite drink, otherwise you'll have no excuse to kick mummy's seat in temper throughout the entire journey because you "don't like" your drink. Same goes for snacks.

4) No matter how tired you are whilst travelling, remain wide awake until 20 seconds before you reach your destination. 

5) Remember to say "are we there yet?" and "where we going now?" repeatedly. Every 1 minute should be satisfactory 

6) Check that mummy has put the child locks on by firmly yanking on the door handle several times. Use both hands if necessary. Once satisfied you should wind the window up and down until the window gets jammed

7) Moan that you're cold because you wound the window down

8) Moan that you're hot because mummy wound the window back up

9) Make it clear that you do NOT like wearing a seatbelt. Yank it, twist it, try and chew it off

10) When you arrive at your destination announce that you want to go home

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A School Starters Poem to Mummy

I can see you're feeling sad mummy
Although you try not to let it show
I've heard you talking to daddy
About this place I have to go

We've had 4 whole years together 
Special time for just us two
But now it's time for me to leave your side 
And be with other people too

You've been there for all my "first times"
First breath, First cry, First smile
And you'll be with me for the first time
That I'll say goodbye (for a while) 

And I'm sure you'll pretend you're fine mummy
You'll do your best to keep your cool
As you watch me take my teachers hand
And let her guide me in to school

I know you'll find it hard mummy
To stand and watch me go
But it's time for me to learn mummy
It's time for me to grow

You won't be far from my thoughts mummy
As the school hours go by
And sometimes I might really miss you
It may even make me cry

But I won't be sad for long mummy
Because I won't have long to wait
Before I see you waiting patiently for me
At the school gates

And there's plenty more adventures for us
So wipe away your tears
There's lots of fun that's still to come
For many, many years





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Tuesday, 28 April 2015

A Day in Pictures

8am - Rise & Shine!

9am - We took Buzz Lightyear for a walk on our way to get breakfast!

9:45am - Breakfast Time!

10:30am - Bought some Bubbles & blew them in the street on our way home!

12:30pm - Daddy got tired of carrying the bike to the park after lunch, so he rode it! Silly Daddy!

1pm - Oliver decided to actually ride his bike after watching Daddy do it!


2pm - We did some climbing. Daddy climbed to the top and blew bubbles for Oliver to catch. 

3pm - We had snacks!!!

4pm - Watched Postman Pat the Movie!!

5pm - Oliver stopped pretending he can't draw and drew a picture of Mummy whilst I was making tea!

6pm - Bathime after tea

7pm - All ready for bed

8pm - Peace at last!!



Saturday, 25 April 2015

A letter to Mum

Dear mum,

I want to begin this letter with a "sorry,"
For the pain I may have caused you, the heartache & the worry,
For the times that I've mistreated you
And sulked and caused fights,
For the times I've caused you tears, and sleepless nights.
For the times I've gone astray and pushed you too far,
For the times I've failed to appreciate what an amazing person you are,
For the times I've caused guilt
When you were never to blame,
For the times I've caused anger and misery & shame.
I want to say Thankyou for always holding my hand,
Putting up with my mischief and constant demands,
For the unconditional love, understanding and support,
For being in your every first & last thought.
For bailing me out when I've nowhere to turn,
For helping me grow, to thrive and to learn,
For being a role model in many different ways,
For staying by my side in my darker days.

Because it's only now mum, that I'm starting to see,
The amazing selfless love that you've offered to me,
And now with my own child and all this to come,
I want to say Thankyou for being my mum.


Thursday, 23 April 2015

One Of Those Days!!!!

Do you ever have one of those days where from the word go you feel like some force somewhere is deliberately setting out to ensure you have a bad day? And to top that off your preschooler has joined in on the act and has decided that today they are going to seriously push every button you have to a point which is beyond ridiculous? 
The other day I had "one of those days."
Here's how it went
3 am - Got woken up by Oliver stood by my bed saying that a Monster had tried to eat his leg. Took Oliver back in his room and got in bed with him to settle him down
6:30am - Woke up in Oliver's bed with a bad back and a buzz lightyear on my head
7:30am - Listened to Oliver screaming because he couldn't  have an ice lolly for breakfast
9:00am - Had a bath
9:03am - Oliver jumped in the bath with me & squirted me in the eye with a rubber duck bath toy. Then poured all the bubble bath in to the water...and squirted me in the other eye.
10:30 - Searched high & low for my purse which Oliver had decided to hide. Asked Oliver to go & find it, for him to return 5 minutes later with a sock. Found it at the bottom of the laundry basket, with most of the cards inside it bent.
11:30 - Couldn't find my keys
12:00 - Visited family who had a new puppy. Caught Oliver pushing the new puppy around in a toy pram
12:30 - 4pm - Told Oliver a million times that no, the puppy didn't want to be forced to sleep, eat, or have a bath
4:15 - Walked home with Oliver in his pushchair. Watched Oliver literally throw his toy out of the pram because he wanted me to carry him. Walked passed toy and left it lying in the road to teach him a lesson (mean mum)
4:17 - Listened to Oliver scream all the way home because "mummy had lost his toy!"
5:00pm - Arrived home and used the naughty chair practically every 30 minutes until bedtime. In the meantime I managed to burn the tea, stub my toe, and knock a basket of clean laundry over.
7:00pm - Settled Oliver in bed, looked at him whilst he was sleeping and thought "ahhhh, he's not that bad! I kind of miss him & want him to wake up!"

No matter how much your child has tested your limits throughout the day, by the time they are fast asleep they suddenly transform in your mind from little devils to angels....until 3am the next morning when you are woken again because they want a drink!! 




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Tuesday, 21 April 2015

GIVEAWAY - BABY MILESTONE CARDS

I'm currently giving a set of the baby milestone cards away. Pop over to my Facebook page for your chance to win 

Sunday, 19 April 2015

Ways To Annoy Mummy Before 7am

1) At 6am decide that you would like to root through the kitchen cupboards and find something spectacular for breakfast. 
2) Proceed to prepare this exquisite breakfast completely independently, (this means totally refusing for mummy to help you in ANY way) until you end up with a giant mess.
3) Refuse to eat the breakfast you prepared and ask for a dry cracker
4) Request to watch a DVD - Ensure the DVD that you choose is one that you have previously removed from the case and hidden in a place that would be hard for even sniffer dogs to detect
5) Follow mummy around whilst she hunts high and low for the DVD, repeatedly asking her to find it and simultaneously pulling on her clothing
6) Tell mummy she's a good boy when she eventually finds it in daddy's shoe, underneath the bed.
7) Allow mummy to put the DVD on and before the film begins decide that actually this wasn't the DVD you wanted after all
8) Push your cup of milk all the way to the edge of the table to see how far it will balance until it falls off
9) As mummy goes to fetch the mop, decide to be helpful and use some of the clean laundry drying on the radiator to clean up some of the spilled milk
10) As mummy finally sits down to eat her own breakfast, plant yourself on her knee and decide that what she is eating is what you fancied for breakfast after all. 

Saturday, 18 April 2015

Green week Day 1

We visited the park and looked at all the green things within the surroundings! We felt the grass, leaves etc to emphasise that objects that are green have many different textures, shapes and smells. Oliver paid not the blindest bit of notice! I'm not going to lie! Far too busy playing to be bothered by what's green green green! 

Friday, 17 April 2015

A Puzzled Mummy's Potty Training Survival Guide

1) Take a potty EVERYWHERE

2) Keep your cool at all times, even when your child decides they need to poo whilst you're on an hour long bus journey

3) Rise above embarrassment. even when people are staring as you have your child sat on a potty between your legs on said bus journey 

4) Think and act quickly. You'll need this skill for when you have to dispose of potty contents at the next bus stop

5) Make up quirky potty songs that you can sing round the house in the style of the can can

6) Don't scold for accidents (even if it was done on your foot and you suspect it may have been done on purpose!)

7) Reward your child for using the potty. Stock up on stickers

8) Reward yourself at the end of the day. Stock up on wine/chocolate


Breast Intentions

I’ve read a few pieces recently regarding Breastfeeding, where writers are advising mothers that they “shouldn’t feel pressured in to Breastfeeding”

Well state the obvious why don’t you!! No woman should be pressured in to anything. They should however be given a choice, and the respect to fulfil that choice regardless of what it is. 

It seems that overnight Breastfeeding mothers have been  villainized as a possy of judgmental, lactating bully’s who like to sneer and look down on those who don’t Breastfeed.

Believe me, this is not the case. Most of us just want to feed our children in the way we’ve chosen, just like formula mums. We too feel pressured, pressured NOT to Breastfeed, through questions such as “are you still doing THAT?” And statements such as “you mustn’t be making enough milk , you should top him up with formula!” 

I’m sure formula feeding mums find questions and judgments about their choices just as irritating.

When did it become a war? Breastfeeding V None Breastfeeding?

Aren’t we all pro choice? Does it matter how one person feeds their child compared to another? Believe me, when I was Breastfeeding I was far too busy ensuring my nipples weren’t showing (heaven forbid) as I fed my child in public, or trying to ram a sandwich in my mouth with a latched on baby, to be bothered to notice how the baby on the next table was being fed, let alone to have the energy to give a lecture about feeding methods! 

The point I’m trying to make is do what’s right for you and your child! Who cares what other people think! Is your child loved? Cared for? Protected? Clean? Kept warm? Fed? If the answer is yes, then great! You’re doing an awesome job! 

There is no war. There is no competition. There is no “us and them”. We are all mums and we do what’s right for our babies and for ourselves!

Appointments From Hell!

Well...today we had speech therapy! 

Going to appointments with Oliver is something I dread. It's one of them situations where you walk on egg shells throughout your entire journey to the appointment for fear of saying something...anything, that may transform your child from the happy, pleasant kid you see before you, in to a shrieking, irrational monster. This mood change can be provoked by the simplest thing, "oooh look at that tree Oliver, hasn't it got lovely green leaves?"

" I DONT LIKE LEAVES!!!"

It's at this point that you shrink back in to yourself and realise that your up and coming appointment is going to be a disaster and it's all your fault because you dared to mention a tree.

My most recent experience of this was at an audiology appointment. My crime this time being that there were too many toys in the waiting area and it was despicable for me to suggest that he should leave these in order to come in to another room and "speak with the nice lady". That appointment went something like this...

"Ok Oliver, I'm going make a noise and when you hear it.."

"I don't like noise"

"Well when you hear the noise, you put one of these little toy men on this bench"

"I don't like men"

"The noise comes from this bell.."

"I don't like bell"

At this point the audiologist is looking bewildered at me and clearly expecting me to intervene

"Don't look at me love, I get bollocked for pointing out a tree!"

Anyway, after persuasion tactics failing and with a screaming Oliver, at this point laid on the floor, the appointment was abruptly ended and 3 months later we're still waiting for another. So you can understand why the thought of attending an appointment has me sweating profusely.

Today I kept my mouth shut. I oohed and ahhhed in all the right places, allowed Oliver to lead conversation, pretty similar to if you were in a hostage situation I would imagine. With fists clenched and finger nails digging in to my palms we walked in to the clinic quite successfully. At one point the buzzer didn't work as we tried to enter the building, at which point I thought "oh shit..that's it, I'm done for!" But surprisingly he was fine...and when I say fine I mean he was chatty, polite and pleasant. For about 15 minutes. 

He then opened the door, midsession and said "come on Mummy, we're going now!"  *cringe*


Kids Are Weird!

Children are strange creatures. They're like half crazed, drunk aliens that make absolutely no sense and become frustrated when you can't translate their complete nonsensical hogwash. To prove my point here is 5 conversations I've had with Oliver, or overheard in this week alone 


1) Oliver: Mummy I want cheese on toast?

Me: Ok, you can have that for your dinner

Oliver: I DONT LIKE DINNER


2) Me: Are you thirsty

  Oliver: I'm NOT thirsty! I'm OLIVER! 


3) Me: Don't shove a pillow over my face Oliver, you could kill me!

Oliver: Can I try again?


4) Me: Don't bounce on my head Oliver, would you like it if I bounced on your head?

Oliver: Yes


5) Daddy: Do you want to get in the bath?

Oliver: No, it's too hot

Daddy: Shall I put some cold water in?

Oliver: No it's freezing cold

Daddy: I won't put any cold water in then ok?

Oliver: No it's too hot!

(Pause)

Oliver: Daddy I want a bath

Daddy: Come on then

Oliver: No i'm freezing cold.


Learning Colours!

Sooo...there's a few things Oliver is "behind" in compared to other kids his age, and when he starts school in September he will be one of the youngest in his class. So we're going to attempt to do some serious learning in preparation!! We're going to focus on COLOURS over the next month or so and each week we'll focus on a different colour, starting this Saturday!
This week will be green week! We'll do activities through the week that will focus solely on the colour GREEN!  This is an attempt to learn that colours come in different shapes, sizes, textures, smells etc! 
At the end of each week I'll blog on the activities we've done, and whether Oliver has managed to learn that particular colour! 
Wish me luck!!!!!! 

Thursday, 16 April 2015

Throw back Thursday - The day I learned that a Toddler is capable of climbing on anything when you leave the room for just 1 minute!


Top 5 Activity Tips for Attention Span

As mentioned in my blog post about Oliver's ongoing speech delay, we have been given a list of activities to help increase his attention span. There were lots of tips but here's 5 of our favourites and how they've worked for us!


1) Ready, steady, go. 


Oliver has really taken to this activity. In my days off I ensure we go out every single day, and this is a really great one for the outdoors. The way we play it is by assuming the position you would take to start a race. I then say ready, steady (pause).....go!!! And we start running. Each time you do it you extend the length of the pause before you shout go. Oliver holds his attention really well within the pause and finds it fun. 


*Also a great game for if you have a dawdler and you're trying to get somewhere in a hurry!!*


2) Prompting your child to listen with a hand to ear gesture


This has really worked for Oliver. Calling his name doesn't tend to have an effect. If he's not interested he won't respond, however he does when I use this gesture alongside the word "listen". At first I could only catch his attention if he saw me make the gesture, however I don't need to be making eye contact with him now to engage him. By simply saying "listen" he will stop what he's doing whether he sees the gesture or not! Progress! 


3) Telling your child "one last time" or "one more" to keep an activity going longer.


This tip has had the most effect with Oliver's attention when eating as he loses interest in meals very quickly, stating that hes's "all fished (finished)" after one bite. Over the past week Oliver has made more effort with his meals through the use of these prompts. Perhaps this progress with his eating habits is from a mixture of all the tips having an effect, however I do find he is more willing to stick to eating a meal, rather than jumping up and playing, through the use of this tip


4) Talk about what your child is doing rather than asking questions.


This involves a running commentary of what your child is doing or has done throughout the day. I've found this most effective at the end of the day where I will detail everything Oliver has done. This has helped his speech as well as his attention and he is now beginning to join in and add his own parts to what has happened throughout the day


5) Using an interesting tone of voice.


I've adapted this one and have instead used character voices, pretended it's one of his toys asking him to do something, or sung something to him. I've found he's more likely to respond and follow through with what I'm asking when I use this technique. 


* Although it's rather embarrassing out in public!!


So! Despite me feeling rather down in the dumps about the chopping and changing with his Speech Therapy, these tips have had a positive effect and will hopefully help his speech in the long run through the aid of increasing his attention span *fingers crossed!*

Speech Delay

When Oliver was two it was noted at his Health  Visitor check up that he had delayed speech.  He was offered “group speech therapy,” which is run by Speech Therapy Assistants and had some quirky name which I can’t for the life of me remember!

From the word go he hated it. First of all, the therapy took place in the same building as his nursery, which caused him mass confusion. Secondly, the sessions were set out with small activities around the room focussing on a particular subject each week.  The children were directed to an activity and after 5 minutes were asked to leave that activity and move on to the next.  This did not go down well.  This meant that once Oliver was immersed in an activity, he didn’t want to move on! He was having fun! Why were these people stopping him from playing!? This of course lead to an emotional breakdown which lasted approximately 5 minutes and meant that he then didn’t have time to partake in the next activity as he’d spent the whole time crying.  For me the sessions were exhausting and I spent most of the time trying to coax Oliver out from under a table, whilst other parents looked on disapprovingly. 

More disapproving looks were on their way when other children realised that they could actually refuse to partake in activities too!  On the final session we ever went to Oliver lead a spectacular revolt, which resulted in all the children standing by the window alongside him and point blank refusing to join in with anything.  He may have a speech delay but that boys got some serious leadership skills!!!

We never attended again.  It was decided that Oliver was “uncooperative” and would benefit more from 1:1 with a qualified Speech Therapist.   Whilst awaiting this appointment I discovered that Oliver actually had tongue tie.  I had never been aware of this due to Oliver breastfeeding well for 2 years with no issues.  It was only one day when he opened his mouth and I could visually see a definite tongue tie that I realised this could be the issue with his speech.  I raised this with the speech therapist who did not even look in his mouth and stated that “no, this was not the reason for Oliver’s speech delay”.  Oliver just needed time to develop and he would be monitored in a few months to check for progress.

A few months passed and surprise surprise....he still had delayed speech. 

We were then passed to another therapist.  So far the conclusions have changed month by month. Firstly, Oliver’s speech delay was a cognitive impairment.  He could not process where certain sounds were supposed to go within certain words. Next, the tongue tie was addressed.  This would be examined by a “specialist” to see if Oliver could be referred to have minor surgery to have the tongue tie cut. We’re still waiting.

Before seeing the specialist another month passed and we had another speech therapy session and currently the conclusion has been changed again.  Its not the tongue tie causing the problem, it’s the fact that Oliver has a very short attention span. We’ve been backwards and forward that many times that to be quite frank; my own attention span is starting to shorten by the minute.

So we’ve been given a list of activities to do with Oliver to increase his attention span, and they are working. But where do we go from here? 2 years have passed. We’re supposed to place our trust in professionals but sometimes you’ve just got to accept the fact that children are extraordinary creatures. They can’t be moulded in to shapes they don’t want to be in. Or is that just mine? Oliver is the most stubborn, strong willed, spirited little person I have ever come across.  But at the same time he is funny, kind, empathetic, imaginative, and just an altogether awesome guy!

I guess it will take time, and time is what I will give him. In the meantime let’s hope his speech develops before someone will finally listen to a Mothers instinct and investigate the tongue tie issue, hopefully before his 18th birthday!!....

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

A 3 Year Olds Guide To Baking

Step 1) Do NOT wear an apron. When baking it is essential you get covered from head to toe in every ingredient. 
Step 2) Always press your hand down on the scales just as your parent is measuring out ingredients. 
Step 3) When cracking an egg in to the mixture, ensure at least half the shell goes in to the bowl.
Step 4) Stop for a moment to eat one of the edible fairy cake toppers
Step 5) Repeat the words "mine, me do it, my turn" throughout the whole baking session
Step 6) Ensure that when you stir the mixture you do it with a flicking motion so that  50% of the mixture  goes on the cupboards
Step 7) Lose interest for 5 minutes because you saw a bee through the window
Step 8) Cry because your parent carried on baking without you when you lost interest
Step 9) Cheer yourself up by eating another edible fairy cake topper
Step 10) And another
Step 11) Ask if it's ready yet
Step 12) Using the flicking method again, flick the mixture in to the paper cake cases ensuring you cover the floor also
Step 13) Make a train across the kitchen counter out of biscuits from the biscuit tin 
Step 14) Ask again if its ready yet (you need to ask this approximately 2 seconds after your parent has put the mixture in the oven)
Step 15) Once the cakes come out of the oven, scream for a while, or throw yourself on the floor because they're too hot
Step 16) Eat an edible paper cake topper
Step 17) Refuse to ice the cakes 
Step 18) Put the edible paper cake toppers on. Ensure that when you do this you press it in so firmly that you leave a huge hole in the centre of each cake
Step 19) Cry because there isn't enough toppers to go on all the cakes because you ate them 
Step 20) When cakes have cooled, take a bite out of each one and lick off the icing

The Debate On Blogging Tantrums

The Huffington Post recently posted an article about the blog page asshole parents and having read some of the comments on there I was aware of a huge mix of opinions from the public on documenting children tantrums. 

Some people seemed to have an extremely negative view of blogging these moments within parenting, with comments ranging from how these children should be smacked for behaving in such a way, to how parents should be assisting their children with their emotions throughout the tantrum rather than photographing them and posting them on social media. 

I'm going to disregard the smacking opinion because as a parent I don't believe in physical punishment and don't wish to get in to debates on the effects of this. It's just not for me.

However, I do want to acknowledge the other argument as I do believe on some level it's a valid one. 

Of course, in moments of distress your children need you to be sensitive of their needs and emotions and as a parent it is your job to help them through this and provide a loving and understanding response to ensure they feel safe in a very confusing world. Your childs needs should always be put first, however as a mum, and a new mummy blogger I think it's important to acknowledge how the parent is feeling also. 

I recently had a photograph of my 3 year old reposted on Instagram by asshole parents. The photo was  of him laid on the floor in the middle of a shop and gained over three thousand likes. When looking back at the photo I can laugh, but at the time I was in deep distress as a parent. 

Whilst shopping I allowed my son to choose a game from the shelf. His Nana who was with us at the time noticed the box that the game came in was open and stated to him that it was open and would he like her to close it to ensure nothing fell out. This resulted in my son laying down in the middle of the floor in protest. What people don't see from the photograph is that whilst down on the floor we attempted to reassure him, explained that his behaviour was inappropriate, asked him why he was feeling angry etc. Whilst attempting to do this the behaviour became worse and we were becoming centre stage for a number of onlookers, some who laughed and some who were clearly the type who believed in physical punishment or felt my son was naughty and I was a bad parent. It is always the negative comments that you imagine people making when in a situation like this. When people walk pass and laugh or offer a comment such as "ooh "I've been there" it actually provides some comfort.

In a situation where I felt helpless and at risk of severely losing my temper I instead walked away (with my son still in sight) in an attempt to give us both space and to allow myself a breather to think how else to address the situation. It was at that point I took the photo. My son wasn't looking. My thoughts were to take it and to show him at a later point to discuss with him what had upset him so much.

I don't want this post to come over as defensive. It isn't intended that way. However I think people may forget that children can freak out over the smallest thing, and when they are in the middle of a melt down, that isn't always the ideal time to talk about it with them. Some parents, who may be more isolated can think their children are behaving abnormally, or they are failing as a parent. Couple this with comments about how their children should be punished or dealt with more efficiently can only increase this thought process. 

The aim of blogs such as asshole parents and blogs like my own is to provide reassurance (in a lighthearted manner) that their children are acting in the same way as thousands of others on the planet. EVERY child will have a melt down at some point. It's part of their development, and blogs such as this allow other parents to realise it is NOT always their fault. They are NOT a bad parent. No parent is perfect, but in my opinion, a parent has a much better chance of success when they can relate to others, have a sense of humour, and not feel wholly responsible for the way their children may sometimes act. Everyone will have their opinion on blogs such as these and it's not for me to object to them opinions, however I do think it needs to be addressed that sometimes as parents we just need to be honest about the struggles we go through in order to alleviate our own stresses. These types of blogs provide a platform for that, as well as a comfort blanket to know that at some point within your parenting journey you will without doubt be an asshole.


Confessions Of A Puzzled Mummy

1) I have never wiped food off your face with my hand and then eaten it myself to avoid having to get up off the couch

2) I have never taken photos of you throwing a tantrum for my own personal amusement 

3) I have never cried & had flashbacks because you projectile vomited after you choked on some calpol and I thought I'd nearly killed you. 

 4) I have never rushed you to the GP at 3 weeks old convinced you had meningitis, only to be told it was dry skin

5) I have never felt so guilty after your vaccinations that I bought you a £10 Mickey Mouse birthday cake when it most definitely was not your birthday, just to lessen the guilt

6) I have never told you that my job is a dinosaur hunter in an attempt to pry you off my leg when I have to go to work, and also to make you think I'm awesome!

7) I have never put my hand on your chest at 3am just to check you're breathing and accidentally woke you up

8) I have never made pretend phone calls to Santa when you are misbehaving in a desperate attempt to make you stop

9) I have never hoovered you after you've  covered yourself in food at dinner time

10) I have definitely never, ever, done any of these things.


The Fight For Independence

A couple of weeks ago I had the not so bright idea of letting Oliver help me to make his lunch (beans on toast). Thinking I was being all mumsy I allowed him to put the beans in the microwave and showed him how to put toast in the toaster. I then helped him to butter the toast, hand over hand. This little activity has caused me nothing but grief since it occurred and I appear to have triggered Oliver's desire for independence to  ridiculous levels.

One day when I was at work, Oliver's dad nipped upstairs to quickly get dressed. When he came back down, Oliver (with the help of a stool) had managed to reach the kitchen work tops and was in the middle of making himself some toast.

The following day he took it to the next level and was discovered making beans on toast.

A few days later whilst Oliver was watching TV in the lounge (or so I thought), I decided to tidy up his playroom (for the 152nd time that day.) all of a sudden I heard a mans voice in the lounge. I ran in to see that Oliver had once again made use of the trusty old stool and had used it to reach the front door handle, taking it upon himself to answer the door to a complete stranger!

The final straw was Wednesday when Oliver went upstairs to use the toilet. Thinking that he'd been a couple of minutes and probably needed assistance I went up to find that he was in the process of running himself a bath and had helped himself to one of my bath bombs. 

He starts school in September. I was under the impression that this meant I could leave him alone in a room for a few minutes without him putting himself in great peril! 

I was wrong.


Juicing It Up

We welcomed a juicer in to our house this month. The idea being that I can juice fruit and veg and make them in to iced lollies. A desperate and sneaky attempt to get some nutrients in to Oliver. 

Oliver (like all kids) likes to eat things that aren’t good for him..sweets, chocolate, crisps, and once I caught him with a woodlouse stuck between his teeth. When “other mummy’s” talk about how their kids LOVE veg and couple that with brightly coloured Instagram food pics of some exquisite meal their child has eaten for tea, clearly containing their five a day, I feel slightly deflated and I have decided to take action!

Food has always been an issue with Oliver - when he was 4 months old he went on a “nursing strike”. This is basically when your baby decides that they aren’t going to Breastfeed for the entire day, in an evil plot to make you think that you are a failure as a mother, so much so that they simply refuse to feed from you regardless as to whether you are their only source of survival! 

When weaning on to solids it went the opposite way. He only wanted to Breastfeed and refused to eat food, although I could occasionally tempt him by waving a wotsit in his face and then spooning a bit of puréed carrot in to his mouth instead! (Not recommended)

Now at the age of 3, Oliver tends to only like white food and baked beans (although he did have a tantrum in the supermarket yesterday because I wouldn’t let him eat a fish on the fish counter…It still had eyeballs.) 

If I could do it all again I would definitely do baby led weaning!

You live, you learn! 

Much to my surprise, the juicer has so far been a success! Ok, we’ve currently only made orange and mango juice..however…Rome wasn’t built in a day!!




Monday, 6 April 2015

You Know You're A Working Mum When...


1) You open your bag at work to reach for a pen and pull out a pair of underpants and a kinder egg toy instead
2) You walk round the workplace humming a Frozen song
3) 7am is considered a lie in
4) Washing the dishes is classed as your "me" time
5) You never get chance to eat breakfast
6) Your annual leave is used for "Mother's Day afternoon tea parties" at nursery, and appointments, rather than mini breaks and nights out
7) Your child puts your shoes on and says he's going to work
8) You learn to deal with guilt on a daily basis
9) You do all your clothes shopping online, half of which arrives in the wrong size/colour and you never quite find time to send it back 
10) You usually arrive at work with food down your top

My Very First Blog

So! I decided to write a blog and I wish I had done so sooner! I'm a 31 year old mother to Oliver who is a troublesome 3 year old. From the minute I had him I have been aware of mummy competition. This started from the second I was wheeled on to the maternity ward holding on to a 4lb 15oz baby boy (wrapped in a pink blanket) wondering how the hell I was expected to keep this little person alive. 
I cowered sheepishly as the maternity assistant whipped back the curtain demanding I tried to feed him, and then tapped her foot impatiently as I tried to latch a sleeping newborn baby unsuccessfully on to my boob. 
I blushed like a naughty child when I was told off the following day for changing his nappy (which took a good 10 minutes) on my own bed and got myself and the sheets covered in pee.
I belted it to the canteen and back in less than a minute after being barked at by the staff to get breakfast, and forced dry toast down my gullet for fear of him being swapped or stolen whilst I was gone. 
All the other women on the ward seemed to have this mummy thing down to a tee, where as I felt like I was blagging every minute of it and getting it all wrong!
And so it began..."does he sleep through the night?"
"Yes, he's an angel!" (Of course he doesn't He's a baby! He's up at least every hour, and I'm unsure as to whether I will actually ever sleep again!) 
As Oliver grew I discovered that the fact that he did the complete opposite to the other mothers perfect babys was what I found most loveable about him. He was unique, mischievous, hair pullingly troublesome and a complete challenge. When I started telling the truth about my struggles, confusions and sometimes desperation I found that actually other mothers were going through this too. 

So that was how we began. Me and him.  The love of my life. And since then we have travelled a long journey. Weaning on to solids (disastrous), potty training (surprisingly not too strenuous), first day at nursery (horrendous), first day back at work (heartbreaking) and our journey continues and I continue to blag it. Every day.
This blog is my way of reflecting on our journey, to look at things light heartedly, to see the funny side of a day that has had me close to tears, and to show other mums who feel they are blagging it that they are not the only ones. 

The only people that can teach you to be a parent is your children. And they are tough teachers!